EDIT: MORE
Monday, April 9, 2012
Matt Dolph Did These
EDIT: MORE
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Here's a thing I'm doing
http://woodvillainy.tumblr.com/
Sure, it's already on my facebook, but why not put it on a tumblr where no additional people will ever see it?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I was awoken from a nap by arguing neighbors.
"HOW COME YOU GOTTA TALK TO ME LIKE THAT."
In my nappish haze, I responded to the people on the other side of the wall before I could think.
"Because you're a dumb cracker?"
"WHAT?!......"
silence
"AND YOU BETTER FIX THE TRUCK BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN THIRSTY AND THERE'S NOTHING TO DRINK AND I'M GOD DAMNED PREGNANT!"
Pictured below: the source of the argument.
"HOW COME YOU GOTTA TALK TO ME LIKE THAT."
In my nappish haze, I responded to the people on the other side of the wall before I could think.
"Because you're a dumb cracker?"
"WHAT?!......"
silence
"AND YOU BETTER FIX THE TRUCK BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN THIRSTY AND THERE'S NOTHING TO DRINK AND I'M GOD DAMNED PREGNANT!"
Pictured below: the source of the argument.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The Guy Torry Storry
This isn't really a GREAT story or anything, and I come off as bragging about a trivial brush with f list celebrity, but it does come up from time to time and I thought it'd be nice to have a visual aid.
Prologue
Guy Torry was a contestant for the latest season of Last Comic Standing, which is like American Idol for standing-up comics. Unfortunately, all video evidence of this has been destroyed by the National Broadcasting Corporation to prevent future generations from exposure to near-lethal levels of stupidity and intellectual laziness, so forgive me if I get a few of these initial details wrong.
One thing that really irritates me in standing-up comedy is a faulty joke premise. Torry based his ENTIRE SET on one. It wasn't a small one, either.
"Ya'll know the KKK endorsed Barack Obama, right? It's true. It's true. Google it. Google it. Google it."
Mind you, that's not the joke. That's the PREMISE.
He went on to tell a joke about how it's probably because Bush ruined the economy and they can only afford low thread count sheets for masks "They can see me through the sheets, cracka! They see me through the sheeeeets!" or something like that.
One of the first things the judges said to him was "You know that never happened, right? The thing about Obama." To which he replied "YEAH IT DID. GOOGLE IT. GOOGLE IT."
I did google it.
Here is what I found.
Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama
By by [sic] James R. Crowe
That's a parody article written by a cut-rate british version of the onion, which Torry took to be the gospel truth.
ON TV.
IN FRONT OF TV'S GREG GIRALDO, NO LESS.
I found him on facebook and fucked with him a little. The end. And then I found $10.
Prologue
Guy Torry was a contestant for the latest season of Last Comic Standing, which is like American Idol for standing-up comics. Unfortunately, all video evidence of this has been destroyed by the National Broadcasting Corporation to prevent future generations from exposure to near-lethal levels of stupidity and intellectual laziness, so forgive me if I get a few of these initial details wrong.
One thing that really irritates me in standing-up comedy is a faulty joke premise. Torry based his ENTIRE SET on one. It wasn't a small one, either.
"Ya'll know the KKK endorsed Barack Obama, right? It's true. It's true. Google it. Google it. Google it."
Mind you, that's not the joke. That's the PREMISE.
He went on to tell a joke about how it's probably because Bush ruined the economy and they can only afford low thread count sheets for masks "They can see me through the sheets, cracka! They see me through the sheeeeets!" or something like that.
One of the first things the judges said to him was "You know that never happened, right? The thing about Obama." To which he replied "YEAH IT DID. GOOGLE IT. GOOGLE IT."
I did google it.
Here is what I found.
Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama
By by [sic] James R. Crowe
That's a parody article written by a cut-rate british version of the onion, which Torry took to be the gospel truth.
ON TV.
IN FRONT OF TV'S GREG GIRALDO, NO LESS.
I found him on facebook and fucked with him a little. The end. And then I found $10.
Here are the facebook screen caps. Click to enlarge, or you can just like the guy torry show on facebook and find it yourself.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Which Wich can S my D
I love a sandwich. You know this. You all know this.
It is for that reason only I was willing to test out a shoppe with the name Which Wich, a name that irritates me and leaves no promise of tastiness.
I walked in and headed straight for the counter just like any normal human who wants a sandwich would do. It was when I began to order and saw the confused look on the sandwich-slave's face that I realized I had entered the Twilight Zone
"I'd like a chicken something something italiano something."
(looking like I had asked him who his favorite baroque composer was)
"Uh, what? Huh? What?"
(the horror of my predicament is now fully dawning on me. Where AM I?)
"Uh.... this is where I order a sandwich... right?"
"Aw, nah bro. Here's what you're going to do.... grab one of those bags off the wall. check the box...
"Ok thanks! bye bye now!" Is what I said.
What I WANTED to say was
"Sir, CERTAINLY you jest. I did not come here to be assaulted with your foul corporate gimmickry, I came here to ORDER A SANDWICH, by the gods. This is how you intend to scoop out a market share in the lucrative sandwich sector of the economy, with corporate buzzwords like 'interactivity?' I am insulted. You may keep your various sandwich bags, upon which you want ME, a CUSTOMER, to write down my order like a common sandwich artist. I will not be party to the mockery you are making of the sandwich industry. GOOD DAY TO YOU."
The worst part of this story is that THIS PLACE WAS PACKED with baby-boomer yuppy scum. They're apparently doing great. Their sandwiches must be delicious.
You have won this day, Which Wich. But you will not have me. I will keep my integrity, if not your yummy sammies.
It is for that reason only I was willing to test out a shoppe with the name Which Wich, a name that irritates me and leaves no promise of tastiness.
I walked in and headed straight for the counter just like any normal human who wants a sandwich would do. It was when I began to order and saw the confused look on the sandwich-slave's face that I realized I had entered the Twilight Zone
"I'd like a chicken something something italiano something."
(looking like I had asked him who his favorite baroque composer was)
"Uh, what? Huh? What?"
(the horror of my predicament is now fully dawning on me. Where AM I?)
"Uh.... this is where I order a sandwich... right?"
"Aw, nah bro. Here's what you're going to do.... grab one of those bags off the wall. check the box...
"Ok thanks! bye bye now!" Is what I said.
What I WANTED to say was
"Sir, CERTAINLY you jest. I did not come here to be assaulted with your foul corporate gimmickry, I came here to ORDER A SANDWICH, by the gods. This is how you intend to scoop out a market share in the lucrative sandwich sector of the economy, with corporate buzzwords like 'interactivity?' I am insulted. You may keep your various sandwich bags, upon which you want ME, a CUSTOMER, to write down my order like a common sandwich artist. I will not be party to the mockery you are making of the sandwich industry. GOOD DAY TO YOU."
The worst part of this story is that THIS PLACE WAS PACKED with baby-boomer yuppy scum. They're apparently doing great. Their sandwiches must be delicious.
You have won this day, Which Wich. But you will not have me. I will keep my integrity, if not your yummy sammies.
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