Bloggens

Mike did this, too

2011-01-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

www.MikeDgraphics.com

Google it for all your serious business needs.

2011-01-04T02:03:00.000-08:00

I was awoken from a nap by arguing neighbors.

"HOW COME YOU GOTTA TALK TO ME LIKE THAT."

In my nappish haze, I responded to the people on the other side of the wall before I could think.

"Because you're a dumb cracker?"

"WHAT?!......"

silence

"AND YOU BETTER FIX THE TRUCK BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN THIRSTY AND THERE'S NOTHING TO DRINK AND I'M GOD DAMNED PREGNANT!"

Pictured below: the source of the argument.

The Guy Torry Storry

2010-12-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

This isn't really a GREAT story or anything, and I come off as bragging about a trivial brush with f list celebrity, but it does come up from time to time and I thought it'd be nice to have a visual aid.

Prologue

Guy Torry was a contestant for the latest season of Last Comic Standing, which is like American Idol for standing-up comics. Unfortunately, all video evidence of this has been destroyed by the National Broadcasting Corporation to prevent future generations from exposure to near-lethal levels of stupidity and intellectual laziness, so forgive me if I get a few of these initial details wrong.

One thing that really irritates me in standing-up comedy is a faulty joke premise. Torry based his ENTIRE SET on one. It wasn't a small one, either.

"Ya'll know the KKK endorsed Barack Obama, right? It's true. It's true. Google it. Google it. Google it."

Mind you, that's not the joke. That's the PREMISE.

He went on to tell a joke about how it's probably because Bush ruined the economy and they can only afford low thread count sheets for masks "They can see me through the sheets, cracka! They see me through the sheeeeets!" or something like that.

One of the first things the judges said to him was "You know that never happened, right? The thing about Obama." To which he replied "YEAH IT DID. GOOGLE IT. GOOGLE IT."

I did google it.

Here is what I found.

Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama
By by [sic] James R. Crowe

That's a parody article written by a cut-rate british version of the onion, which Torry took to be the gospel truth.

ON TV.

IN FRONT OF TV'S GREG GIRALDO, NO LESS.

I found him on facebook and fucked with him a little. The end. And then I found $10.

Here are the facebook screen caps. Click to enlarge, or you can just like the guy torry show on facebook and find it yourself.

2010-12-08T06:26:00.000-08:00

Mike did it.

Which Wich can S my D

2010-08-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

I love a sandwich. You know this. You all know this.

It is for that reason only I was willing to test out a shoppe with the name Which Wich, a name that irritates me and leaves no promise of tastiness.

I walked in and headed straight for the counter just like any normal human who wants a sandwich would do. It was when I began to order and saw the confused look on the sandwich-slave's face that I realized I had entered the Twilight Zone

"I'd like a chicken something something italiano something."

(looking like I had asked him who his favorite baroque composer was)
"Uh, what? Huh? What?"

(the horror of my predicament is now fully dawning on me. Where AM I?)
"Uh.... this is where I order a sandwich... right?"

"Aw, nah bro. Here's what you're going to do.... grab one of those bags off the wall. check the box...

"Ok thanks! bye bye now!" Is what I said.

What I WANTED to say was

"Sir, CERTAINLY you jest. I did not come here to be assaulted with your foul corporate gimmickry, I came here to ORDER A SANDWICH, by the gods. This is how you intend to scoop out a market share in the lucrative sandwich sector of the economy, with corporate buzzwords like 'interactivity?' I am insulted. You may keep your various sandwich bags, upon which you want ME, a CUSTOMER, to write down my order like a common sandwich artist. I will not be party to the mockery you are making of the sandwich industry. GOOD DAY TO YOU."

The worst part of this story is that THIS PLACE WAS PACKED with baby-boomer yuppy scum. They're apparently doing great. Their sandwiches must be delicious.

You have won this day, Which Wich. But you will not have me. I will keep my integrity, if not your yummy sammies.

Here's something i don't like

2010-03-15T23:16:00.001-07:00

Celebrity prank shows. At least, all the ones i've seen thus far.

I saw one once where they tricked Janice Dickinson into thinking she was on a dating show. Her "date" related to her the wacky story of his first sexual experience. It was with his mother! cue wacky noises and laugh track. What an awkward situation.

COMEDY RECORD SCRATCH!

Then I found out Janice was a victim of incest in her youth. Oops! I never saw another episode of that show.

Also I hated that show punk'd. Is that still even on? Every fucking prank was a fake arrest by fake cops. I only saw a few episodes several years ago but off the top of my head i can think of four separate people they did that bit to, including former UFC champion Chuck Liddell. It was like their version of What Up With That.

I will say this for punk'd - I enjoy the way they use apostrophes.

I am at wal mart.

2010-02-03T11:55:00.001-08:00

A woman bends to pick up a box of cereal.

"You should think twice about that." I say. "Now is a bad time for that sort of luxury expense."

She looks at me, understandably, as though I am an insane person.

I turn toward her, wondering why she is looking at me. Realization sets in. I grin awkwardly and point at my bluetooth device.

I have become "that guy."

Here's a thing.

2010-02-03T09:18:00.001-08:00

How to add "Email Subscription Form" to your blog

I'll probably get around to doing it eventually myself.

UPDATE:

I diggity did it.

Subscribe to Bloggens by Email

Apparently google bought feedburner since that how-to guide. It got much easier to add a supscription button.

Eupeyd

2009-12-15T07:31:00.001-08:00

It started with a bizarre spam youtube message.

help center | e-mail options | report spam

JiggamanBangMusic has sent you a message:

A funny video abou dcigs.

This includes the clean and dirty version plus a response to black man teaches how to eat chicken.

Spread these words around:
Spigga: Spic plus nigga. Brown with big nose.
Bigga: Brown plus nigga. Brown with small nose.
Chigga: Chink plus nigga. Yellow
Euigga: Eupeyd plus nigga. White

Dcigs Blast Clean Version

http://www.jiggamanbang.com/

For most people, it might have ended there.

I couldn't let it go.

The one thing here that really stood out for me was the term "Eupeyd." I did some googlins.

Believe it or not, there exists www.eupeyd.com

Eupeyd Definition

Eupeyd means white people; light skin people; an ignorant white trash who has the mind of a rat that is inferior, diseaseful, repulsive, and etc.

And the best part: the eupeyd jokes section. A few select bits -

Submit your eupeyd jokes in the message to right.

Eupeyd Jokes
1
What do you call a eupeyd dead in the woods?
Good Will Hunting

6
Why do eupeyds love sucking penis?
Because their cocksauce.
7
Why did eupeyds created homosexuality?
Because they weren't getting any pussy.
8
Why do little eupeyd boys sound like girls?
Because their sissies.
9
What is the greatest moment in a eupeyd's life?
When their dead.
15
What happens when black people finds a dead eupeyd cracker?
They have themselves a cookout! "I got myself some eupeyd ribs."
17
Why do eupeyds love animals?
Because their cowfuck eupeyds.
18
Why are eupeyds so evil?
Because their the devil's children.
20
Why can't people trust eupeyds with money?
Because greedy pigs steal.
39
Why can't eupeyds dance?
Because rats cannot dance!

These are possibly the greatest jokes mankind has ever invented. I've came up with a few Eupeyd jokes of my own.

Why did the Eupeyd scientist invents AIDS?

He dirty pigrat fingers slipped! and it was an accidents. He was trying to invent dorito cologne.

Why do Eupeyd's smell like wet dog's?

Their fuck them.

Why did the Eupeyd's burn my family's village?

Because the eupeyds are the sons of the devil and lucifer and their hearts are as like evil rat hearts.

How to break my heart in four easy steps

2009-12-12T00:41:00.001-08:00

Step 1: Get My Hopes Up

DMX Is Now an MMA Fighter

Step 2: Disappoint me, but I still forgive you.

DMX Cancels MMA Fight, Coolio Rumored To Replace Him

Step 3: I don't even KNOW you anymore.

DMX fight update: Rapper is out because he wanted the fight fixed?

Step 4: Make it as though we never met.

Alabama Pride Event Cancelled

Why I'm excited about this weekend's UFC show

2009-12-09T15:06:00.001-08:00

It's not every day you get a chance to see a brilliant and accomplished inventor in a cage fight.

FUCK YES

2009-12-08T16:20:00.001-08:00

MST3K on Hulu!

http://www.hulu.com/mystery-science-theater-3000

All I Want For Christmas

2009-12-05T22:56:00.001-08:00

The public dismemberment and execution of everyone involved in these gap and old navy commercials.

I will NOT talk to the moose. I don't even know what that means.

Mark My Words

2009-12-01T20:27:00.001-08:00

I've been saying this for a while but I want to get it in writing before everyone else figures it out - Bobbe J Thompson is the funniest child actor ever. He is going to be a household name by the age of 20.

Exhibit A - Shutterbugs.

I remember watching the Human Giant commentary reel and seeing Rob Huebel, Aziz Ansari and Paul Scheer going on about how great Bobbe'J's improvs are and how he constantly cracked them up. Obviously that's kind of a big deal, especially for someone who isn't even a teenager yet.

Human Giant: Shutterbugs - Episode 4 (Bobbe J. Thompson and Matt Walsh) - watch more funny videos

Exhibit B - Scrappin.

I do not condone child street fighting, but here's a video of it anyway. No one really gets hurt. There's a chance this is fake, which would be impressive in its own way.

The best part, obviously, is the quippery at the end. That and the fact that he displays the perfect gameplan for fighting someone bigger than you: Use a distracting punch to get in close for a takedown.

I could go on, but I have the feeling that if I did it would start to look creepy.

In conclusion, you need to goddamn rent Role Models already. Dr. Ken is in it too. You know, this guy

DAMN YOU MAHMOUD AMADIMNENANDFJHAD!

2009-11-16T07:44:00.001-08:00

He's one upped us again.

YOU ARE BE NEXT FIGHTER!

What kind of weirdo

2009-11-03T18:14:00.001-08:00

would put this on their baby?

America, I'm disappointed in you. I expect this kind of nonsense from your little friend Japan, but not YOU.

The noticer

2009-10-29T16:49:00.001-07:00

My dad comes up to visit me in Woodville some times. Usually I'll pick us up lunch from somewhere. There aren't many places to choose from in Woodville so Subway is a common choice. I'd stop in on the way back from the office and pick up two sandwiches.

Woe unto me for I am that guy who gets two sandwiches.

OH HELLO GUY WHO GETS TWO SANDWICHES. I REMEMBER YOU BECAUSE I NOTICED YOU ARE ALWAYS GETTING TWO SANDWICHES. ONLY ONE SANDWICH TODAY, TWO SANDWICH MAN? IT'S JUST THAT I'M VERY PERCEPTIVE AND THAT I REMEMBER YOU FOR GETTING TWO SANDWICHES THAT COUPLE OF TIMES. WHAT, HE'S ONLY GETTING ONE SANDWICH? OH, FUCK! THAT FUCKER ONLY WANTS ONE SANDWICH? DID YOU GET YOUR STOMACH STAPLED OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT IS HAPPENING? REALITY AS I KNOW IT HAS CHANGED FOREVER.

I haven't been back to subway since.

BONUS.

I just learned that Orson Scott Card is a Mormon

2009-10-16T20:47:00.001-07:00

I now totally understand why "Thirds are rude" was supposed to be objectionable and horrifying.

At the time I thought it seemed like a good policy.

Dear Bloggy McBloggerson III Esq

2009-10-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago.

Monday - Tooth starts hurting, especially at night. 4 eckra stremf Tylenols put it down pretty ok. Soup still hurts. Weird knobby bulbousness on kidney causes me internal disharmony. Most distressing.

Tuesday - Tylenol doesn't work anymore. Sleep in the recliner. Knob still growing in back. Cyst? Cancer? Alien baby? Must consult doctor.

Wednesday. Head home from work. Dentist looks in mouth. Cracked, infected down to nerve. Root canal. Insist on happy laughy gas. Make appointment at Kelsey Seybold to have Vietnamese internalist feel up cancerous alien baby on back. Hope treatment doesn't involve tai chi.

Thursday to Sunday - Wait around all day like an eagle hunting prey.

Monday - DR. Trinh says A: That's not where my kidneys are. B: That's not a cancerbaby, that's my cecum. Pronounces it Saycum. It's not a tumor, its something that belongs there. I get flu shot and lollipop instead of kidneyectomy. Delete mass "I'm dying; see you in hell" text message draft.

Tuesday - root canal. First time with the nitrous oxide. Mask too small, keep drifting back to real world in middle of operation to hear dentist talking about her boobs and Roman Polanski. Rape-rape? Or rape? Time travel. Vision quest. Meet god. Go home. Go back to Woodville. No internet. Someone will pay for this.Wednesday to now - Bought 4 dvds at a pawn shop, including "Hot Rod." Underrated comedy. Still no FUDGING internet. Please send comedy and trashy, spiteful, hateful, jealous celebrity gossip. Situation critical.

hello little bloggy

2009-10-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've neglected you little webpage. I promise some kind of tedious story to tell tomorrow or maybe monday.

Hope you're well. You look well! Sit tight.

Love you!

Microlending: Act 3

2009-09-14T17:41:00.001-07:00

My favorite podcast in the universe did a feature on microlending, a subject you've likely heard me go on about at one point or another.

Check out the podcast. While you're at it, browse some of the other topics they've discussed. They cover everything VERY in depth and I guarantee you will learn something from each of them.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?i=59974193&id=278981407

This Happened

2009-09-07T21:49:00.000-07:00

10:30PM

I'm talking to Adrienne on Gchat.

The 92 year old preacher who is staying with us suddenly barges into my room, no knocking. He's wearing nothing but tighty whities.

"You still up?" he asks.

"Uh, yeah... did I wake you or something?"

"It's just I'm awake again." *wander wander wander*

I close the door and block it with a piece of furniture.

SHIT

2009-08-31T07:28:00.001-07:00

Disney to acquire Marvel for $4 billion

from the lost hidden files of Doctor Grossfact

2009-08-27T19:11:00.001-07:00

Did you know that we learn to nod yes and no when breastfeeding?

We move our heads to the side to dodge the boob or raise it up to accept a drink.

I don't know if it's really true or not but I heard it somewhere and it does sound truthy.

Big News

2009-08-25T11:40:00.001-07:00

They found out what the appendix is for, why it has appeared obsolete, and why it gets inflamed.

Maybe some of that they already knew, but I didn't.

Read.

Tim Heidecker pranks a telemarketer

2009-08-18T16:08:00.001-07:00

Enjoy.

http://timheidecker.tumblr.com/post/164984050/i-get-these-telemarketing-calls-every-other-day

Supergroup alert.

2009-08-11T23:08:00.001-07:00

I want this album right now.

Them Crooked Vultures is a hard rock collaboration comprised of Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) on guitar and lead vocals, Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters, Nirvana) on drums and John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin) on bass and keyboards.^[2]

Liam Lynch is apparently directing their videos. That is a good thing.

I Cannot Believe I've Seen This, Volume 37

2009-08-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Garfield Minus Garfield has met its match

2009-07-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

Scott Meets Family Circus.

Basically, this fellow Scott has inserted himself into the unfunny and annoying world of Family Circus.

Enjoy it.

I have another new blog

2009-07-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

This one's just for dreams. I'm salvaging the old xanga ones first, then I'll hopefully start putting new ones up.

http://DLPdreamlog.blogspot.com

I'm always the last to know about these things

2009-07-09T11:54:00.001-07:00

This kind of explains a lot for me.

Voicemails are apparently out of style.

Here's something terrifying

2009-07-06T14:00:00.001-07:00

Ever hear of The Family? I just did for the first time today. They're a super scary semi-secret Christian cult lurking in the shadows of Washington.

Among their beliefs, according to the interview below:

poverty is a punishment for sin
Genghis Khan and other mass murderers are just super (including an indonesian mass murderer that they actively supported)
human beings are just god's toys

Most importantly, they believe that "The Chosen" (themselves, of course) are completely above morality and impervious to the consequences of it's violation. They like to illustrate this with a little parable about King David, how he did horrible things and he was still god's favorite anyway.

Say, who else was it that I remember talking about King David recently? Oh right. Mark Sanford, who is one of their members. He compared himself to King David in a speech explaining why he's not resigning from the senate. John Ensign and Hillary Clinton are also members.

They also believe that there is a big difference in what should be taught to the masses and Jesus's inner circle. Sound familiar? It's kind of like how in scientology you have to pay to ascend the ranks (OT levels) until you learn the "real truth" and get your fancy superpowers. It's the difference between the exoteric and the esoteric and it's my favorite red-flag that you're in an evil cult. There's kind of a lot of parallels to scientology here, only these people own senators instead of actors.

I would think this was all bogus if not for the semi-well-known fact that they are actually the people who founded the National Prayer Breakfast.

I encourage you to read this article and/or listen to this interview about them.

Bruno

2009-06-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

My favorite Bruno clip to get you super pumped for the movie.

Really helps expose the shittiness and emptiness of fashiony people. Blugh.

His first victim is Leon Hall, a guy I have not seen on TV since this interview. Coincidence? Possibly.

This is supposed to be a painting of Barack Obama

2009-06-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/

Stop using google

2009-06-20T22:13:00.001-07:00

At least for searches. Use bing.com. It's just better.

For those of you who require verbed search engines, matt dolph suggests the term "bingle."

Look at the what I've already unearth through bingling.

http://webpages.acs.ttu.edu/jcouncil/adrienne.html

Would you like to see the metallest thing ever?

2009-06-16T22:23:00.001-07:00

Yes please.

No, I'm fine. Thank you anyway.

New things I like

2009-06-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

All of this discovered via comedy deathray radio. I love free things, so I love podcasts. It is a podcast and it is great. I do love it.

Dragonboy Suede. This is a great song for appreciators of fine shirtery.

R O manse.

I think I also like Garfunkel and Oates. Their name is great, at least.

hey

2009-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

remember this?

Turns out there's a meh-he-can version as well.

maybe only funny to me

2009-05-20T15:55:00.001-07:00

The rest is here.

The subject of this parody is here

Old Woman, Please Die (part 2)

2009-04-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

N.C. Republican Representative Virginia Foxx is under fire for calling a gay man's beating death a "hoax."

During a debate in the U.S. House about a hate crimes bill, Foxx said the Matthew Shepard case was a hoax. She went on to say Shepard wasn't killed in 1998 because he was gay but because the crime was a robbery.

"We know that young man was killed in the commitment of a robbery. It wasn't because he was gay," Foxx said during debate. "The bill was named for him, the hate-crimes bill was named for him, but it's really a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing these bills."

Of course, the reason we "know" this is because the defendants said so. That is, after the gay panic defense didn't work, anyway.

It's all an elaborate hoax. Clearly two rednecks pistol whipped him into unrecognizability and then left him tied to a fence in a robbery that has nothing to do with the crime of being gay in Wyoming.

GODDAMN STELLA IS ON HULU!

2009-04-21T00:14:00.001-07:00

This is one of those great little nuggets of television that I thought was going to be lost to obscurity forever. I don't think there's even a DVD of it.

Have you some Stella. You love it.

http://www.hulu.com/stella

Quote of the day

2009-04-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

Well that's the thing. I guess this is the philosophy—who knows, maybe it wouldn't be helpful to somebody else. Okay let's say you're like, "I'm unclean. I've got to wash my hands." So you get the idea, "Oh, I'm unclean," but instead of washing your hands, which is the compulsion—the obsession is that you're unclean, the compulsion is washing your hands over and over again—what you did is get your hands super-dirty, and you just sit there, sit in the anxiety. I guess the idea is like with a panic attack, there's only so much your body can panic. There's only so high your anxiety can go, and then your brain just gets bored. So it was like getting to that super anxiety and not trying to make it go away. Just sitting through it, and whatever my worst anxiety was—that was I was gonna chop people into chunks, have sex with the chunks, and put the chunks on Cobb salad and feed it to my parents—like "Okay, so that's the worst thing. Just listen to that over and over again and finally get kind of bored with it."

Source: this person

You know what's not good

2009-04-19T18:19:00.001-07:00

Mitchell Hurwitz's new show, "Sit Down Shut Up." He's the guy who created Arrested Development, so it's a real disappointment to me.

In retrospect, the way the characters were drawn should have been a tip off.

It even has a great cast, including Jason Batement, Will Arnett, Will Forte, Henry Winkler, Kenan Thompson, etc.

I keep falling into this trap of getting high expectations of things just because talented people work on them. I need to learn that that entertainment execs can ruin anything.

Funny Names.

2009-04-18T14:29:00.001-07:00

I've kept a list of funny names for people and bands in the past. I've decided to post it here so that people can add to it. I'll keep adding to it too.

I admit to hearing some* of them elsewhere.

People

Dynamite Pope

2TRU4U2BTRU ( good for an annoying screename)

Elwin Tinkleberry

Zackamore Hooberry

Osama Bin McTaggart

Goolsby Scroggins

Saxby Chambliss

Ted Fornica

Conrad Bibbins

Leonard Hatred

Bands

Testicular Apocalypse

Kitten Archbishop

The Secret Monsterdicks

12 Days Short of a Fortnight

Pie Wagon

The Disfigurines

TBA
The Clap
Dead Technology
Slaughtertorium

The one below is an extra disgusting grindcore-style name so it's in white. Highlight it if you want to read it.

Bloody Cum Fart. There really are bands with names like that.

Letters to Torgo

A Puerto Rican a Black Guy and a Couple of Other People

Natalie Portmanteau

Fingertight

The I Shit You Nots

The Jean Benet Ramsey Experience

Holland Oats

*Lots

Stingers.

2009-04-17T19:58:00.001-07:00

http://moviestinger.com/movies-with-post-credits-scenes-extras/

That's a database that keeps track of movies with post-credits scenes, like the ones at the end of Ironman and Dodgeball. It's a good thing to check before you go see a movie to see if you should sit through the credits or not.

YOU'RE FUDGING WELCOME.

I'm Pimping Kiva again

2009-04-17T02:34:00.001-07:00

I explained kiva.org a while back , so I won't launch into another tedious explanation, just a reminder and an update. I've been loaning and re-loaning the same $150 over and over again and getting it paid back reliably. That lady in tajikistan paid her loan back pretty quickly.

Microcredit : It works, sucka!

Here's my latest, er, loanee?

Gloria Balogbog

About the Entrepreneur

Name:	Gloria Balogbog
Location:	Purok 9, Kiwalan, Iligan City, Philippines
Primary Activity:	General Store
Loan Amount:	$150.00
Loan Use:	to purchase firewood for sale and items for her variety store
Repayment Term:	6 months
Lenders Repaid:	Monthly
Date Posted:	Apr 17, 2009
Date Disbursed:	Apr 15, 2009

Gloria Balogbog, 44, is married with three children and lives at Purok 9, Kiwalan Iligan City, Southern Philippines. She balances her time efficiently for both family and business. She strives to perform her daily chores to the best of her ability. She manages a variety store that sells basic household products. She also has firewood available for sale at her store. Her customers include her neighbors and people from nearby villages. She requests a loan of PHP 7,000 from HSPFI, a KIVA partner, to increase her business inventory.

want to see

2009-04-14T13:26:00.001-07:00

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/04/13/lars-von-triers-antichrist-movie-trailer/#more-24864

Lars von Trier's Antichrist - Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

2009-04-13T13:57:00.001-07:00

Today is a special "texas sucks" edition of my blog. Most of Texas, anyway. You know what the good parts are.

Exhibit A

Once again, Texas fudges it up for everybody. I heard about this on the Science Friday NPR podcast today. I am an angry panda.

State education board approves science standards

The long short of it is, creationists got their grubby, unevolved digits all over Texas's science textbooks again. This time they're not even allowing books to state the age of the universe. The worst part is, Texas is such a big state that they set the standard for other states, and textbook companies don't tend to publish separate "real science" and "texas science" editions. So don't be surprised if when you're 40 all the kids think that dinosaurs were chilling with adam and eve in the garden of eden.

Damn you, (most of) Texas!

Exhibit B

We're on the onion again.

Texas lawmaker: Asians should change their names to make them 'easier for Americans to deal with.'

Please die, old woman. You know you want to. Your grandchildren probably want you to as well. You can make it one of their birthday presents.

Texas Legislator Wants Asians To Americanize Names

Texas state Rep. Betty Brown suggested that Asian-American voters should change their names to something "easier for Americans to deal with." What do you think?

Harvey Martin,
Systems Analyst
"Wouldn't it just be easier to teach Texans how to read?"

Maria Delfina Lobry,
Nutritionist
"Maybe they should adopt names that sound like the love interest of a superhero, as Betty Brown clearly did."

Tom Ong,
Pediatrician
"Yeah, that's why I changed my name from Tim to Tom."

Did You Know

2009-04-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

You can turn off your google security word?

Settings -> Comments -> Show word verification -> Off

I'm going to try it and see if it causes me to get spammed.

Hey look a news story

2009-04-11T14:33:00.001-07:00

I might start posting stuff like this on a semi-regular basis.

Inhaler Gives Chocolate Taste, With No Calories

(Newser) – A Harvard prof has created a device that allows people to guiltlessly inhale chocolate, the Telegraph reports. Called Le Whif, the inhaler delivers the taste of chocolate without any calories. “Eating was tending toward breathing,” David Edwards said, “so, with a mix of culinary art and aerosol science, we’ve helped move eating habits to their logical conclusion.”

“It fills your mouth with almost pure chocolate—it tastes really good," another Le Whif team member says. "But chocolate is only the beginning. Two Michelin-starred chef Thierry Marx is even working with us to develop meals, such as a mint-flavoured inhaler to go alongside his lamb dishes. Eventually we could be having three course meals this way."

Also

Zombies Have Come to Save the Day

Thing

2009-04-03T16:59:00.001-07:00

They found a thing on my dad's neck in a cat scan today. That's all I know so far. More later.

check this out

2009-03-25T20:04:00.001-07:00

http://www.jobprofiles.org/library/guidance/100_best_jobs_for_lazy_bones.htm

A top 100 job list for lazy people (including yours truly)

I have ALWAYS wanted to do this one

Secret Shopper: Become a secret shopper or mystery shopper, and you get to wander around the mall, write up basic reports and get reimbursed (or paid ahead of time) for your purchases.

other highlights

Masseuse on a cruise: Passengers on a cruise are relaxation and vacation-oriented, so you will probably be pretty busy; however, you get tokick back, enjoy the scenery and may even get discounts on food and drinks after hours.

Apartment employee: Working in the office at an apartment is especially great if you live at the complex. You'll probably get a discounted rate on your rent, and you can walk just a few steps to work in the morning.

Sleep study: Participate in a sleep study like this one, and you can earn a few hundred bucks just for snoozing.

Video game tester: Play video games, make money. Enough said.

Holy shit

2009-03-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

This has to be a joke.

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/localnews/crime/stories/031909dnmetcagefight.3dfc1c3.html

Dallas ISD records show school held 'cage fights'
07:23 AM CDT on Friday, March 20, 2009
By EMILY RAMSHAW and TAWNELL D. HOBBS / The Dallas Morning News
The principal and other staff members at South Oak Cliff High School were supposed to be breaking up fights. Instead, they sent troubled students into a steel utility cage in an athletic locker room to battle it out with bare fists and no head protection, records show.
.....
Internal district reports obtained by The News describe a culture of sanctioned violence in which school employees and even the principal relied on "the cage" to settle disputes and bring unruly students under control.

Moten, along with security monitors and other employees, "knew of the practice, allowed it to go on for a time, and failed to report it," investigators for the DISD's Office of Professional Responsibility wrote in a confidential 2008 report.

Despite investigators' assertions that the staff's conduct "may constitute a criminal violation," charges were never filed against Moten or the hall monitors accused of organizing the fights. Many of those employees were still working on campus at the beginning of this school year.

"It was gladiator-style entertainment for the staff," said Frank Hammond, a middle school counselor in Cedar Hill who was fired from South Oak Cliff High School and has filed a whistleblower lawsuit. "They were taking these boys downstairs to fight. And it was sanctioned by the principal and security."

The graveyard

2009-03-20T21:28:00.001-07:00

I just got done playing "The Graveyard." It's a game where you play an old lady who walks to a bench in a graveyard, sits down, listens to some music, and then gets up and leaves the graveyard.

It's free, but you can buy a version where she dies sometimes.

Here's a video of the entire game.

Dance Floor Dale

2009-03-12T12:42:00.001-07:00

I wish I had moves like Dance Floor Dale.

At Best Buy today

2009-02-14T21:50:00.001-08:00

Can I get your new email address? The one on the card is out of date.

Sure, it's Aaron... that's with two A's

[typing] arron...,

No, two A's, one R

Ok... aarron...

You've still got two r's in there

Oh ok.

There you go. So it's Aaronof********....

Aaron**....

OF, OF ********... ok, that's good. At gmail

@g.

Gmail is one word

oh, ok... @gmail

... DOT COM. GMAIL.COM

I should get at least a million best buy reward zone points for that

I figured out what I like about blogspot

2009-02-14T00:31:00.001-08:00

I like that I can email entries. I'll probably do this more from now on.

I have struck the fucking motherload of crazy

2009-02-13T16:25:00.001-08:00

http://www.peacebytruth.com/

This website is completely bonkers. The headline is "9/11 and other "big lies" examined." They could have rested on that one and let it sink in a little, but they follow that up with a nice combo of inspiring quotes from Pope Benedict XVI, MLK and FUCKING Mahmood Ahmadinejad. Yeah, that guy.

Here's a list of things that this website apparently believes in

Overpopulation is not a concern, though pollution and deforestation are.

Global Warming isn't happening/isn't cause by man

Petroleum doesn't come from dead plant and animal matter and is not finite, but is actually constantly regenerating.

The Holocaust never happened

The people who run this website are sane... IT'S EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS CRAZY! YOU'RE ALL CRAZY! CRAZY AND DOOMED, DOOOOOOMED HAHAHAHA!

I think this gives www.timecube.com a run for its money.

The Internet's Greatest Picture

2009-02-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

I have deigned to share it with you.

Original

Billy Joel is the worst ever

2009-01-24T14:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2209526/pagenum/all/#p2

I always suspected it but could never put my finger on why. At the very least, this guy is right about the song "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me." I hate the shit out of that song, so hard. So hard.

Discuss.

Merry Christmas Adrienne

2008-12-24T22:46:00.000-08:00

As part of a Christmas gift to you, I will actually blog about something.

Also Merry Christmas to my only other reader, Holly. The only reason for your second billing here is due to the fact that this makes a better gift for Adrienne who has bugged me slightly more about writing something here. Slightly more than not at all, that is to say.

ON TO THE BLOGGERYDOODLE DANDY

Hey, here's something I don't like: Adding "-porn" onto the ends of things.

Torture-porn, which refers to a horror-movie subgenre including films such as Saw, Hostel, and Grindhouse(?).

Food-porn.

And the latest, most unfortunate and ill-considered entry into this category: pet-porn. I just read it five minutes ago in a review for the new Jennifer Aniston vehicle, "Marley and Me." As in:

It's a film “satisfying only to pet-porn junkies,” Jim Ridley writes in the Village Voice.

Maybe you don't see immediately what is wrong with this sentence. I rather hope that you don't. I hope that you don't see what could possibly be wrong with a movie appealing to "pet-porn junkies." I think that makes you a better person.

Here's the problem: no matter what you cutely attach the word "porn" to while trying to emphasize its appeal, there's real, literal porn of it. I assure you, there are few exceptions.

Because of this, it gets confusing. The term "torture-porn" legitimately confused me at first. When I saw someone call Hostel torture-porn, I thought they were accusing the director of making some kind of snuff film or something similarly insidious. I didn't realize it at the time but all he meant basically was that it had torture in it, not that the torture depicted was meant to arouse people sexually. I thought the reviewer HAD to be exaggerating ridiculously in the way that people with extreme moral outrage tend to do over movies they haven't seen. (I haven't seen it either, to be honest)

It's like if someone had called the movie "Pirates of the Caribbean" "pirate-porn." Pirates of the Caribbean is not Pirate-porn, it's a movie about pirates. THIS MOVIE is pirate-porn.

PS - 4 DISC collectors set? For a porno? Sweet jesus! I would call that the porno Lord of the Rings if I wasn't so sure that there probably already IS a real porno Lord of the Rings. I digress.

Similarly, the term "food-porn" for me always conjures up bizarre images of an HBO documentary on "squelching" fetishists that I stumbled upon while flipping channels years ago. It is what you think it is. Please do not google it.

There's also this, but don't click it.

I'm not even going into the subject of "pet-porn." Hopefully by now you can figure out what is wrong with that one.

In closing: Stop saying ____-porn. There is real porn of it. Stop it.

2008-11-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

I woke up last night tapping the palm of my hand with my fingers like the face of a phone. I was a serious cyborg businessman working on a multitrilliondollar space-merger with a deadline approaching in mere minutes and my handphone implant was malfunctioning. Damn modern technology and its unreliability! Regular phones never malfunctioned like this.

Slowly I realized I wasn't a hotshot cyborg businessman in an orbital office suite and my hand didn't have a phone implanted in it. My attention shifted from corporate space-acquisition to the fact that my hand was completely numb. Had I been sleeping on it? Or was I having a stroke or something? I had to beat on it a little bit to wake it up and assure myself I wasn't dying.

I'm sure if I hadn't just shifted in from an alternate reality I would have been a little more rational about it.

I want a cyborg phone implant right now. With an MP3 player and video-mind interface. Maybe downloadable full sensory experiences, even.

The shut-in population will spike if that technology is ever developed.

PS holy shit did you see this

Few things-a

2008-11-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

Is it normal for odd smells to set off a sneezing fit? The other day I was doing research and there was an old lady with an old lady smell that had the power of 10 old ladies. If I use the word "old lady" too muchin this post it is to emphasize the amount of old lady particles that were in the air at the time.It was like a cloud of diaper and bad perfume and whatever else goes into the old lady smell concoction. From the first whiff I could not stop sneezing. I had to leave early. The point of this story is not so much how much I dislike old ladies and their signature odor, but more to ask the question: is this normal? I don't seem to remember it always working this way but in the past few years it seems that strong smells (usually chemical) can set off a sneezing fit in me. I vaguely remember hearing a commercial on satellite radio about people with a condition like this where sinuses are aggravated by various things such as cold air and smells, but I tend to inherently distrust commercials that could possibly play on hypochondria and commercials on satellite radio in general. Second thing - I want my dreams back. I don't seemto remember them anymore. I am hoping that somehow blogging about it will help. That's why I started this blog in the first place, after all - I had read that recording your dreams helped you remember them. So we'll see how that goes. Continue to watch this space for my midnight freakouts. Hopefully.

Woodville photos

2008-10-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

Here in East Texas, we spell things the way we mispronounce them. 'N if you don't like it you can GIIIIIT OOOOOUUUT

The dude who posed for this photo works in my office. I shit you not. He keeps the headshot on his desk.

Another haunted-ass abandoned gas station. This one is haunted by the ghost of a gas station attendant/ghost rapist. Don't worry, I am safe. Ghost-rapists only rape other ghosts.

And that's not even the work of abandoned gas station revenants! That's a real price I paid for gas today. Suck it!

Ok, so let me get this straight... you have a sign in THE BACK of your truck that says "Dodge This." THE BACK of your TRUCK.

I am forced to conclude that you try to murder people by backing over them. At least you're warning them.

History

2008-10-28T09:52:00.001-07:00

Here.

changes

2008-10-27T20:27:00.001-07:00

I made some. What say you?

Still tinkering: East Texas Engrish

2008-10-25T12:18:00.001-07:00

I thought my woodville photos might make a good subject for experimenting with this here blog. I'll edit this post here and there.

Anyways, these are from my facebook Woodvillainy photo album. I don't like that I can't easily caption the photos individually here, or don't know how.

I'll keep tinkering.

watch this space.

2008-10-16T09:54:00.001-07:00

I'm just tinkering right now

Santorum.

Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.Santorum.